A Three Step Process To Better Listening
Lately—okay, constantly—I think about what effective leadership looks like. There are so many theories, so many formulas, and so many definitions of exceptional—or even just good—leadership. Yet, leadership looks different for everyone. As a coach, I work with people who have titles that make it clear they are in leadership positions. I also work with people who don’t think of themselves as leaders, but in many ways, they are. And I also work with people who have no interest at all in becoming leaders—some due to misconceptions about what it really means to be a leader, and some because they just don’t want to. And that is absolutely fine.
That being said, there are three practices that I think everyone can do, which will make them exude qualities that every good leader should have. The word practice in this framework is important—these aren’t things that we get right on the first time, second time, or even after a lifetime. But, they are practices we can work towards embodying, and they are oh so simple. Listening. Reflection. Action. Let’s dig in a little deeper.
Listening: I have written a lot about listening. It is a true skillset, one that requires both a genuine desire to do well at it, an immense amount of patience, and a hefty dose of humility. To become a great listener, you need to want to be a great listener. It means re-framing your mindset to think that something someone else has to say is important, and valuable, and to really, really, believe that. It requires patience—many of us know what it’s like to listen to someone go on, and on, and on. But creating space for that speaker to share what is on their mind and what they believe, is a tremendous gift. And finally, humility. We must believe that someone else is just as important as us. Whether or not they know more than us, what they say is just as important as what we say. And that, is a tough pill for many of us to swallow. What listening allows us to do is to hear a perspective of someone else—whether we are leading a team at work, understanding what our partner needs from us, or anything else—listening brings us directly into the next practice.
Reflection: We can listen all day long, but we need to create space for ourselves to step back and think about what we have heard. To start—if we are not sure what we have heard, we need to go back, ask for clarification, and then come back to this step of the process. To start, think about what the person said, as well as what they didn’t say. What were they asking for? Many people just want to be heard. In which case, telling them: I hear you can be a tremendous gift. Many want action, which we’ll get to next. Some are looking for help, so stepping back to think about—what can I do to help this person? would be the focus of your reflection. Take the time to reflect on any important conversation, so you can move into the next practice.
Action: If you have listened to your team, reflected on what they have said, and clarified anything you need to, it is time to act. Now, as a listener, leader, whatever you are—your action might very well be coming back to the team and saying: I absolutely heard you (and reflect back some of the things you heard, so they know this is true), I’ve thought about it, and I’m going to move forward in a different direction. That is okay! At the end of the day, most people feel good about any process as long as they are heard and their opinions have been validated. If it is your partner, and you learn through listening and reflection that you need to do something differently to be better to them, you better start to act. No matter what, after you listen and reflect, take the time to go back to the speaker, and share what you have learned and what you are going to do next—whether it is doing nothing at all, or taking a big, bold step into a new direction.
Preparing for Parental Leave
As I write this, I have just one day left before I begin my first maternity leave. I am full of mixed emotions, which has been true on multiple levels over the course of the past nine (plus!) months. As I have prepared for this time away, I have reflected immensely, learned a lot, and most importantly, gotten myself to the place of letting go. So for anyone else preparing for parental leave of any kind, I’m sharing some of my key reflections. To note: I am not going to address some of the more major issues with parental leave in the U.S.—particularly the lack of universal access to it, which is a massive problem. Instead, I am going to write for the lucky few who are able to take leave and focus on how best to prepare for it.
Making Your Plan
Every company is different, so the easy part is to follow any processes that have already been set up—think things like getting all of your paperwork squared away and following any guidelines they have. In terms of making a coverage plan that you (and others!) feel comfortable with, consider the following, all of which were extremely helpful for me:
Think Ahead: I started creating my plan almost four months ahead of time. Using a Google Excel Spreadsheet, I mapped out a timeline, starting 14 weeks before my due date. For each week, I added in key organizational happenings, 2-3 priorities per each week, and notes. Did I fill out every single week fully? No, way! But it was a great starting point for mapping out the important milestones I would be working to meet along the way.
Coverage: For most of us, our job goes far beyond our job description. It’s usually easy to maintain that mindset day in and day out, but when you’re preparing for leave, it’s a whole other ballgame. I sat down and tried to map out everything that I do on a daily, weekly, and monthly basis. I then began to assign interim owners of each. It is important to both make sure they know they’ll be covering for you, and to also have as much information in advance as possible—so make the time to have advance conversations and loop folks into email chains as early as possible.
Plan For The Unexpected: I never thought that I would have the opportunity to wrap things up nicely a few days before my due date. I’ve known countless colleagues and friends who have had their babies early, so I knew it was a possibility—and planned for it. I drafted an out of office, wrote explicit directions for who would do what when I went into labor (checking for meetings that would need to be cancelled, letting the team know, etc.), and created the 14 week roadmap. I haven’t needed to set this things in motion, but was so glad they were ready to go if needed. For the last week, every day has been a ‘bonus’, and has allowed me to work on long-term projects and answer last minute questions before I do officially sign off and rest until the baby comes.
Letting Things Go
As prepared as I feel, I know I have forgotten many things—I’m sure many are minor and a few are major—but I am going to need to trust that everything will be fine (because, it will be!). As a fellow colleague told me early on, this is a moment in time—just a blip on the map, for both you, and the organization. Enjoy it, and let go. A few ways I worked to let things go are as follows.
A Brief Apology: I felt the need to apologize in advance, for all of the things I know that I have forgotten. My colleagues were incredible and told me to not apologize, but I did, because honestly, it just made me feel better. So don’t feel like you need to apologize—but make sure to do what you need to do to feel okay, and released from your work, for however long your leave is.
Transitioning Back: For some time, I felt very nervous about my transition back into the organization (maybe I’ll write about this once I actually do transition back in!). I quickly realized that I needed to let that fear go, and have been able to do so fairly successfully. I have done the following to minimize my nervousness: 1) Acknowledging that things will look different when I get back—and that’s okay, 2) Acknowledging that I will be different when I get back—and that’s okay, 3) Completely blocking out three days after I return for email and catching up—and knowing I might need to add even more than that.
They’ll Be Okay: For many of us (myself included!) it is easy to get into a mindset of ‘only I know this or can do this’. Well, it’s just not true. Basically anything I do at work can be done by someone else (I still cringe when I think that—it’s nice to feel irreplaceable!), and I’m now at a place, where I know that people will probably do an even better job than me at a lot of things. I’ll trust in my colleagues while I’m gone, and I’ll trust in myself when I get back—and the work will keep on moving.
What is coaching all about?
One of the questions that I frequently hear is: what exactly is coaching? I have great friends, a partner, a therapist, and an incredible support system - so why would I need to invest in a coach? OR. I have little or no support system, and I also don’t have many financial resources available to me: so how could I ever prioritize having a coach? It is just not for me.
I understand both of these perspectives, and everything in between. And I also believe in the incredible, life-changing power of coaching. In order for a coaching engagement to be successful, a client (that could be you!) needs three things:
A real desire to change something in your life.
A willingness to get uncomfortable.
Trust in the coaching process.
That’s it! That is all you need for coaching to be wildly successful. Let’s dig in a bit deeper.
A real desire to change something in your life.
For many, the thought of engaging a coach comes up after they have decided to change something in their life. Whether it is finding your first job, switching careers, developing as a leader, organizing your home, or anything else. When I say a real desire, it means that you need to really, REALLY want to change. That desire is necessary because CHANGE IS HARD. There is just no other way to put it. It takes time, patience, effort, humility, and work to do. Which is why the second condition exists.
Willingness to get uncomfortable.
Change requires showing up, every single day, and doing something you have never done before. And it probably means being pretty bad at it, at least at first. Let’s say you want to find your first job. Writing your first resume and cover letter will be tough—because you have never done it before. Doing practice interviews? They could be painfully embarrassing, because you have never done it before. Getting rejected from job after job? That is the worst—especially, if you have never been rejected from jobs before. However, coaching creates a space where you are fully supported during this challenging process of change—because it does get easier, and that is why the third condition exists.
Trust the process.
The role of a coach is to create the conditions required for a person to go through transformational change. I am here to ask the hard questions to get to the core of what a client wants. I am here to suspend judgement and provide support, unconditionally, throughout each and every failure and success. I am here to guide, to lift up, and to create space for YOU to get to where you want to be. The coaching process looks different for everyone, but always includes these elements:
Finding the right coach. Every potential engagement starts with something that most coaches consider to be a “Chemistry Call”. This is an opportunity for the coach to get to know the client, understand what they need, and determine whether they are the best person for the job. At the same time, YOU need to decide whether this is the right coach for you. The coach will tell you about their process, their values, and what they expect of you. Don’t be afraid if the process sounds hard, but if for ANY reason they don’t feel like the right coach for you, move on to the next option. No hard feelings.
Getting started. If you work with me, we will spend our entire first session getting clear on what you want. This isn’t quite goal-setting, and it’s not quite dreaming. Instead, it is building clarity around what you expect to achieve by the end of the coaching engagement.
The Coaching Process. Each coaching session will begin and end in the same way. We will talk about your progress since the last session—what went well, what didn't go well, and most importantly—what did you learn about yourself? Then we will dig in to those learnings, which might not be all that comfortable—but you will learn more and feel better prepared to change. We’ll finish each session with concrete action steps that you will commit to taking before the next session. With each session, you will make more progress toward your goals.
Wrapping Up. At the end of a coaching engagement—whether it has been 5 or 11 sessions up to that point—you will be in a completely different place from where you started. We will reflect, evaluate, and plan. While I’ll have provided feedback to you throughout the process, this will be the opportunity to go even deeper, so you feel prepared to continue on towards achieving your goals, without the support of a coach.
At the end of the day, coaching is all about change. A desire to change, the support to change, and the incredible possibility of what life looks like on the other side of change. When you are considering working with a coach—do your research and find the right person—and as soon as you do, jump right in. Working with a coach can be life-changing—it has been for me, time and time again, and it will be for you.