How To Get More Comfortable With Boundaries

For many, this is the first holiday season in two years that has some semblance of normalcy. However, we are still very much living in a pandemic - and for those of us with young children, or who are immunocompromised, we still feel very far from normal. As such, as we enter the holiday season, I have been thinking a lot about boundaries and how to manage and enjoy the season, while still feeling safe and comfortable. As I began to reflect, I realized these lessons go far beyond this season and are applicable to our lives at any time.

First, let’s start with a definition, this one coming from the APA: a psychological demarcation that protects the integrity of an individual or group or that helps the person or group set realistic limits on participation in a relationship or activity. From my experience, most people find boundary work hard, or at least, complicated. This is especially true for those of us who consider ourselves “people pleasers” and want to make sure those around us are okay.

When we set boundaries, we often feel like we are disappointing someone else. And we certainly tell ourselves a lot of stories.

If I don’t email my colleague back right away, they won’t be able to get their work done and will be frustrated with me [even though it’s after hours, and I’m trying to manage bedtime with the kids].

If I cancel on my friend, they’ll think I don’t see them as a priority [even though I’m exhausted and on the edge of a mental breakdown].

If I tell my relative that I can’t engage in talking about a certain topic, they’ll think I don’t care or am weak [even though it’s been causing me tremendous anxiety and bonus sessions with my therapist].

Those stories that we tell ourselves prevent us from putting ourselves and our own needs first. This is not to be confused with being selfish - it’s quite the opposite. It’s about ensuring that we understand our own reality, and as the definition says, sharing realistic expectations with others. And what we often forget, is that in almost every scenario, the other person will absolutely understand. That colleague might be relieved to wait for your response to come the next day, since it means they don’t need to stay up even later to respond to your response. Your friend might be exhausted too, and feel the same pressure to not cancel. Your relative might also be relieved to not engage in a difficult conversation when you’re not in the right state of mind for it.

Here’s the thing: boundaries are crucial for our own long-term well-being, even if they cause a temporary glitch for someone else in the short-term. And we usually think that glitch will be worse than it actually is.

I’ll share an example to illustrate. We are hosting our family Christmas Party this weekend, and I could not be more excited. All of the adults are vaccinated, and we are still being cautious by wearing masks to protect one another (a collective boundary, if you will). And still, when I thought about the party, there was a part of me that kept feeling anxious. I have an infant, who isn’t yet three months old, and is thus more susceptible to illness. I also am still recovering from the pain/trauma of an early hospital stay when he was just two weeks old. Once I named this as the thing I was nervous about, I knew I needed to set a boundary that would make me feel better. There would be three rules for anyone wanting to hold him: wear a mask, wash hands immediately before holding him, and no touching his face.

Will someone be bummed in the moment that they can’t touch those chubby little cheeks? Perhaps! But, they’ll leave with the memory of having connected with this sweet little boy, and will forget all about the inability to pinch those cheeks. And I will not have to suffer anxiety for the next two weeks, hoping he doesn’t get sick from someone at the party.

To say it again: creating boundaries may cause temporary disappointment for someone else, but will almost always lead to long-term positive impact for ourselves and our relationships.

The last note on creating boundaries - don’t forget to share them. People can’t read our minds. It might feel awkward, but most people will respond well and actually appreciate clear expectations.

If you are on the “receiving end” of a boundary and find yourself frustrated or confused, know that it’s normal. We don’t need to agree with a boundary to respect it. If you find yourself really struggling with a boundary someone else has created, my recommendation is to talk to a trusted friend. Before you share your frustration, let the know that you’re not looking for commiseration (our usual MO in close friendships). Tell them that you need help in understanding the other person’s perspective and checking your own thinking. For example, if someone was frustrated by my baby boundary, a trusted friend might help them understand how nerve-wracking it is to have a sick baby (you’re almost guaranteed a difficult hospital visit if they are under three months and develop a fever). Remember: the boundary is not about you. Don’t take it personally.

At the end of the day, most of us have work to do on creating and respecting boundaries. It’s not easy, but I know that if we continue to practice, it will enhance our own well-being and deepen our relationships in a beautiful way.